helping

what a concept. i'm in a helping profession. i help people all day long. addicts, the mentally ill, homeless people, sex offenders, prostitutes. people whose lives are coming apart at the seams. i help staff who help people. staff who are frustrated, overwhelmed, over burdened, and not thanked enough. i help my daughters...cope with their feelings, with bullies, with frustrating school situations, with hope.

we talk about how helpful we can be on this forum. as in which people we can help and which we cannot. who can we help and who do we hurt by trying to help.

part of how i've defined myself is as a helper. helping is interesting. sometimes it's hard not to help. but i'm worn out with helping. i want to stop helping. yet i can't totally stop, i can only limit it. after all, it is my job. my job at work, my job at home.

i need to experience the joy of life again. to feel hopeful and inspired. that there's something new and exciting around the corner. things that are within my grasp to experience feel like they've already been done though. my head is full to the brim of complex trees of knowledge and application. my head feels rigiidified. i'm so bored.

i'm worn out. and pessimistic. very unlike me. my search for meaning is over. i'm starting a search for enjoyment and appreciation. i would like to be free of all previous experience, to have amnesia. i would like to be able to turn my head off completely and to just be alive in a single pulsing moment.

shall i have a letting go ceremony, with candles, incense, incantations, and hocus pocus? will there be a drum roll when it's over? will i let out screams of glee?

hmmmmmm. i feel better already!