redbaron

how do you feel about it? Were you mad at them? Do you feel like it changed your life for the worse? Do you feel like it could have been avoided if they had tried harder? Did you think it was unwarranted or for the best? I'm interested in any and all stories. thanks.

Mariella

I wish my parents had gotten divorced. They threatened each other with it a lot, and they almost got divorced a few times. It seems like if they'd done it and gotten it over with, that would have been better than the constant tension of the potential of it.

aixelsyd

I've been telling my mum to consider ditching the uptight Christian values and get a divorce for years now.

I mean, it would mean less constant BS, up in quality of life, and she could go back to her home country where people actually appreciate her and treat her right....aaaaaannnnndddd she wouldn't have to work her ass off just for health insurance coverage since over there....they have gov paid health!! Gee, wiz. Shocker.

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5w4 sx/sp

Norge (w)hore

Thanks Arthur

My parents divorced when I was 4. I thought it was my fault. That might have been the start of my tendency to feel responsible for everything that the people around me feel and do. (Getting over that, though.)

It actually didn't stop their fighting at all. It actually just made Mum continue the fighting through me (demonising Dad and unloading all her bitterness on me, possibly lashing out at me (which happened all the time anyway, but I'm not sure how much was Dad-induced)). Then that'd piss Dad off, and I'd think he was getting mad at me.

Neither of my parents are particularly cut out for parenting, I think. Dad's too stoned on heart pills to have the energy to do more damage, and I think Mum just gave up of her own free lack of will. Which is a bit bitter, she actually did have this massive change of heart at some stage that involved her backing off and treating me better.

Divorce was the right option, but clearly I think it was too weak a measure in isolation.

Oh, and Mum's an ESI and Dad's SLE. Neither of them were particularly grown-up grownups, imo. That's why my lovely childhood souvenir is an interest in self-development and parenting, because I resent my childhood and that transmutes into not wanting to put any child of my own through the same bullshit.

</pissed off Gul>

EDIT

Standard doormat disclaimer: I don't think either of my parents are bad people. I reserve that loathing for my last stepmother, who was a despicable woman with no redeeming traits. I just think they were harmfully inept parents.

</pissed off Gul for real>

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C//
This link contains extraverted ethics.
9w8-4w5-7w6 sx/sp
Hartman Yellow/White
Oldham Mercurial/Self-Sacrificing
Nohari

Trevor

You're considering divorce now, aren't you? Oh God!!

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ESTj-Te
1w2 sp/sx 1-6-2

silverchris9

Well... I don't suppose it hurts to supply some information. My parents divorced when I was very young (I'm actually not sure what age, but I think it was around 5ish?), and while at the time I very much wished for them to stay together, I assume that ultimately it was the right choice. I don't necessarily think that my parents are people who could not have survived married life together under any circumstances, but I do think that their relationship was probably doing more harm than good. The best choices they made in the whole process were to remain civil towards each other (they actually were really good friends before they got married, just a very bad married couple), one very nice thing my mother told me (I still remember the phrase "we love each other as a mother and a father, just not as husband and wife". For some reason, that worked for tiny me), and most of all, to maintain a split-custody agreement that ensured that I could spend a significant amount of time with both parents. In fact, the worst thing that ever resulted from my parents' divorce was a period of about a year (maybe two...) when I essentially spent every weekend with my mom and the weeks with my dad. That sucked.

I do wonder how my parents' divorce has affected me personally. I'm sure it means something to have never lived in just one place. And I did have some unpleasant step-parent troubles for a while there (I'm very much aware that it's my inclination to type my stepmother as a type conflicting with mine simply because I didn't like her for quite a while, but I am almost positive that she is both Te and Si valuing/maybe LSE, though to what extent her own upbringing affected this, and to what extent she expresses her own personality could certainly be debated). But ultimately I feel like my parents did a great job parenting me, and that while it certainly wasn't ideal, pragmatically, divorce was the best option for them. It freed them from the distraction of their unpleasant relationship with one another and let them focus on parenting, among other things.

By the way, my mom is IEE and my dad is LII. My mom might actually be EIE, but I'm fairly sure she's IEE.

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Not a rule, just a trend.

IEI. Probably Fe subtype. Pretty sure I'm E4, sexual instinctual type, fairly confident that I'm a 3 wing now, so: IEI-Fe E4w3 sx/so. Considering 3w4 now, but pretty sure that 4 fits the best.

Yes 'a ma'am that's pretty music...

I am grateful for the mystery of the soul, because without it, there could be no contemplation, except of the mysteries of divinity, which are far more dangerous to get wrong.

Krig the Viking

My parents, despite having massive relationship problems (an LSI and an EII!), stayed together and never let on even once that anything was wrong for my entire childhood. I only started to find out what had been really going on once I had graduated and moved away from home.

Despite the fact that I wish they could have been happier for the past 27 years, I will forever be immensely grateful to them that they gave me a stable, happy childhood, no matter the cost to themselves.

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Quaero Veritas.

07490

This combo, especially LSI male and EII female can work out because of tireless compromise, it still has a lot of misunderstanding because it is a super-ego relationship, but better than most.

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EIE 3w4 So/Sx

redbaron

No! Just interested to hear stories... I was talking with a friend the other day about her experience in a very volatile home (parents stayed together) and she was just saying she kinda thought they should have gotten divorced so it made me wonder what other people's experiences are.

In my own childhood, my parents didn't usually fight openly but there was underlying tension that we could all feel. Three of us are introverts (and even my extraverted mother is an introverted extravert) so our house was often pretty quiet, there weren't a lot of blow-ups etc. I remember fearing divorce and thinking it would be really horrible. But I think if their fights had been louder, I might have wished them to just break up to avoid the fights (I don't handle loud conflict very well).

Ssmall

It ain't cool. I don't think I was mad, Id say I was too young to comprehend just what was happening (was like 7 or so). I don't think it could have been avoided and I think it was great decision which helped lives for me, my brother, mother and father, I don't think the other option would helped anyone whatsoever. So I guess it was for the best. I don't hold any grudges for that, if it affected me negatively (and its possible it did in some way) its too deep down in subconscious for me to care about at this point in life.

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"Life is what our thoughts make it." - Marcus Aurelius

ENFp - Ti 7w6 sp/sx

SCUAN ?? Social

johari nohari

anndelise

My father was (is) a physically violent and controlling type.
My mother was stupid to stay in the marriage as long as she had. (imo) But considering her religious beliefs and nature, I understand why she stayed as long as she did. Thankfully even she had her limits. They divorced when I was 8yo, my brothers were 12 & 13yo.

The hard part of the divorce was that at that age, I was very very naive..very...and felt sorry for my dad because noone wanted to live with him. (at that time, I had been spared being in direct contact of his actions, so I wasn't really aware of them that well). My sympathy led to my downfall years later.

The hardest part of the divorce isn't so much the parents separating, as it is the games one or both of them play...those games aimed at hurting the other parent, by any means necessary, even if it means hurting the kids while doing so. My father played alot of those games, using me as the pawn. Then, I think he forgot his intentions and did the actions out of habitually hurting me, personally. His anger and actions stopped being directed at her and instead turned to being directed at me. (he had custody of me)

The other hard part about separating/divorce is the financial aspects. Lawyers cost a lot of money, some exaggerate the issues in such a way that their client soon starts to believe the garbage. (though, also, some lawyers don't even get the full story, as courts and divorce is all about showing how victimized you were/are, in order to get what you want, regardless of what's right for the children).

I was never married, but when I had my daughter, her father played similar games that divorcing couples go through in fighting for custody. He never wanted custody, but he was more than willing to use the courts to force what he wanted...without regard to how it would affect manta and her future. And the more it hurt me, the happier he was. I can still hear his laughter and snide comments when the last of my college money was gone, wasted on trivial court shit that reasoning and responsible adults could have found solutions to. He also never considered that by constantly applying stress on me meant that I was a constantly stressed out mother, and thus unable to give manta what she needed to thrive with.


My ESFj friend finally got a divorce a few years ago. She was more concerned about being right than about finding solutions and preventing problems. But then, she wasn't in that great a mind when she married the guy, insisting that despite the fact that he had never shown an inclination towards responsibilities nor being a proper spouse nor proper father, the moment he said "I do" was the moment he should have undergone a complete personality change. And after 13 years of marriage with the man, she seemed to think that she could get the courts to force him to change into what she deemed appropriate. She felt that she was doing this stuff "for the kids", but she was oblivious to how much damage she was doing TO the kids, directly and indirectly.


There are quite a lot of aspects involved regarding divorce (including why they got married in the first place and what their expectations of marriage-hood were).